Spec. Psych. Tarık Solmuş has complied the results of
the studies conducted on attachment in Turkey and shared them with us at the
psychologists sharing platform last week.
The resulting data is so striking
that it compels each and every us to reevaluate our relationships over
again.
Before I share those results, I would like to elaborate what we mean by
attachment: Attachment, in its most
basic form, is a term defining the process of establishing and maintaining
proximity with another person. This
process, the roots of which can be traced back to the parents’ desire for
bringing a baby to this world, starts developing with the principle person
(usually the mother) that assumes care following the birth. The form of attachment may develop in
different ways depending on the affection, warmth, care and security aspects of
the relationship between the baby and the person that cares for him/her.
If the baby’s needs are attended to, he/she can receive response to
his/her reactions in the form of crying and laughing, he/she receives attention
and sincerity in interaction with a calm, loving and reliable adult, then a
“secure” attachment starts to develop. The baby thus forms positive thoughts with
respect to the outside world, himself/herself and those around him/her. So that he/she can turn into an individual
who can be autonomous, non authorization seeking, easy going and sincere in
his/her relationships with others in his/her future life as well as sincerely
supporting others while stating the support he/she needs. An individual who securely attaches
themselves takes care in long term relationships. He/she has a high level of respect and trust
for himself/herself and others.
“Concerned” attachment develops when the caring person is extremely
worried about raising and nurturing the baby, has difficulty detaching
himself/herself from the baby and feels himself/herself inadequate in
parenting. Babies with concerned
attachment have difficulty in an environment where their mother is absent, they
cry a lot and they have hard time calming down even when their mother come to
fetch them. In their later stages of
lives, they have the fear of getting rejected, show the traits of jealousy and
insecurity in their romantic relationships and have an intense ire in their
interpersonal relationships as they were constantly in fear of getting left out
in their early lives. They constantly
find the attentions of their spouses and friends inadequate and always ask for
more. The possibility of ending their
relationships worries them so much that they always feel the need to control
those around them.
“Avoidant” attachment develops as a result of the indifference of caring
person towards the needs of the baby, their self centeredness, and their
difficulty in forming a sincere, bona fide and warm relationship. Babies developing avoidant attachment,
while seemingly do not care whether or not their mother is around, may act
furious towards or remain indifferent to their mother when they are joined with
her. However they do not react in an
interested or kind way when their mother comes back. Babies developing avoidant attachment may
stay away from investing on emotional relationships in their later lives. They may feel uncomfortable from others’
attentions and sincerity. They may
prefer to be alone when they are in need of getting support and stay away from
others when others need help. Although
to an outside observer they appear like they stand on their own feet and manage
on their own without others’ help, but the underlying feeling in most cases is
the fear that they would not get the necessary support when they demanded it or
they would be denied it.
According to the data shared by Spec. Psych. Tarık Solmuş, the results
of the studies conducted in most countries of the world reveals the ratios of
secure attachment, concerned attachment and avoidant attachment as 65%, 13% and
22% respectively. Such ratios in Turkey,
however, are in the following order: secure attachment as 32%, concerned
attachment as 24%, and avoidant attachment as 44%. Such a gap says a lot about our
relationships. However there is another
striking finding apart from that, that is:
There is a 12 to 14% difference between male and female in terms of
avoidant attachment ratios in Turkey.
This difference tells us that while some people are running away from
forming close relationships some other people are insistent on more attention,
in other words it demonstrates that we opt to maintain the mentality of
“chase and catch” in our mutual relationships.
If we leave all of that aside, all that data still shows us that every 2
out of 3 persons in Turkey has difficulty forming close relationships and this
rate goes on increasing every passing year.
Because those people are getting to be parents themselves and they
choose to raise their own children within the confines of their own
relationship terms. Within such terms
unhappiness, concerns, personality pathologies and addictions are becoming
inevitable.
No matter whom we form our relationships with, in the end it all comes
down to the basic relationship that we have formed with our parents. For this reason, the best thing to do before
committing to parenting is to sort out our relationships with our own
parents. This is the only way to raise
healthy individuals.
Spec. Psych. Derya Gülterler
Clinic Psychologist
