Everyone says that change is so difficult: Change work, change spouse, change house, change friends… All seems difficult.
First of all we want to change the person in front of us. There isn’t anything left that we haven’t done to change angry spouse, mean boss, carping child, our friend complaining everything.
On the other side of the medal, there are those who want to change us: Lovers saying we would have a longer relationship with you if you smoke less, cared more about yourself, lost a little more weight, if you were five cm taller, mothers saying I wish you were tidier, you got up earlier, you worked more… And many more…
Minds are very confused about wanting to change both ourselves and others. Because, one part of us thinks that all the things we have constitute our identity and make us who we are. Another part of us is displeased with this state of us. If I change, would I be someone else? What would people talk behind us? Would they think she/he changed since that women/man entered his/her life?
In front of the change, there are huge walls which block our minds and make us fear and give up. We don’t know what’s behind the wall. We don’t know how our new behavior, our new job, our new spouse will be and whether we will get used to them. Everything that’s unknown scares us just like darkness. Molds that we are used to and know seem reliable even if they are not useful and make us unhappy.
In fact, change occurs like a paradox when you admit the existing thins and give up trying to be someone other than who you really are. When we admit ourselves as how we are, we firstly love ourselves and then we become able to easily make investments for ourselves. Unfortunately, it is not possible to live with an “I” who you are displeased with and to make something for him/her.
To admit ourselves as how we are and to bring our defense against every aspect of ourselves which we love and do not love is a long process. And to succeed this is in fact a big change. Because, since the first seconds of our life, we are in an effort to look like a person who is loved by people around us in order for them to meet our needs, to love us and approve us. When we notice that our state of today is not who we are but who we want to be, process of looking for real “I” and admitting and embracing that “I” begins. We become able to transfer the energy we use for the person we try to be to the real “I”.
As it is, everything can seem hard and complex to understand. However, we can start by knowing that focusing on others and perceptions of others about us causes many properties of us that we want to change to stay unchanged. Afterwards, you will have more power to use for the existing “I” and to structure it.
Derya Gülterler, MS
Clinic Psychologist
