I remember the day when I did not start
school yet, my sister, five years older than me, came home with her school
report in her hands. When my family saw the certificate of appreciation in
her hands, they started to hug, kiss and congratulate her. Everyone’s attention directed towards my sister. I was looking at out of the corner of my
eye what attracted so much attention. A piece of
paper with a black frame around it. I poured
out all my jealousy and said “Aaaa, what is all this report about… I would
bring a pink school report when I start the school. This memory still makes me smile on
school-report days as my family reminded me of that moment each report day
during my school life.
I ask the color of children’s school
reports on such days. Mothers
give answer before children: “All of our marks are excellent” or “we have just
a low mark” with a little embarrassed look.
Mothers who can not help interlacing with
their children, keep the process- which they have started saying we need to
pee, let’s ask our father and we are hungry- going by saying our school
report when the child reaches the age of school eligibility. Here disappears the boundary between supporting and
hampering the child. The child
neither embraces his success nor assumes the responsibility of his
deficiencies: “These low marks are not just because of me but
also because of my mum.”
When the success or failure of a child
during his life gains greater meaning for the mother rather than the child, the
motivation significantly decreases. The child
attempts to study only after the mother tells him to do so, it is not even
adequate to tell once, the child starts to study after she repeats ten times. He does his homework for the mum tells him to do so. He goes to the school for the mum tells
him to do so. When a slightest problem occurs, the
mother is called. “Your
child did not do his homework, did not prepare for his lesson” School advocates that it is the duty of
the mother. Therefore, the child serves as a carrier between the
school and mother. In such
case, we do not expect him to internalize his school report and care for his
marks.
On the other hand, no one is happy
whatever the result is. Seeing low
marks is a factor that demoralizes people all on its own. Even if there is no low mark, the mother
who is exhausted to remind her child to study during the whole term can not be
happy unfortunately considering that her child did not actually try hard and
would let it all hang out relying on his high marks and she would have to
remind her child to study more in the coming term. When all
the relation she establishes with her child reduces to saying “Study, do
your tests” the mother who does not set such sentences feels its absence
throughout the holiday days.
Dear mothers, you would better remind
yourself from time to time that: Your
school life was over many years ago. Let your
children live their own lives to the full. Let them assume
the responsibility of both positive and negative results. Let them realize their own needs and
develop an internal discipline to take action. I seem to
hear that you say “Even if I let him do so, he will not try”, while
reading the foregoing.
Okey, have you ever looked at the record
of time you have spent for his responsibilities? Do you
successfully complete the lessons needed to be learned from your 30s-40s or do
you waste this period undergoing exam stress?
Derya Gülterler, MA
Clinical Psychologist
